Marlies goes China

Then my tears it’ll be……Ever since winter holiday I seem to be getting busier instead of slowing down with work. The latter should be the case, bearing in mind that I will have taught my last lessons in 4 weeks’ time and that I will be going back to Holland at the end of August. Busy teaching extra classes, busy volunteering at the orphanage, busy with things like the Sports meeting, busy exercising with students, busy having dinners with students and colleagues, busy writing reports for VSO, especially busy doing fun things with some of my students, like swimming in the outdoor pool and discovering that (almost) all Chinese sink in water…., going for hikes, perhaps a picnic sometime soon and talking………..lots of talking; about my life here and my future and specifically my students’ future and their feelings. Of course now you start to wonder what those tears have to do with it. This week I realize more than before and more than ever why I am so busy; because that’s something you always do to yourself. It is to fill my time and so hoping to forget that the final goodbye is getting closer and closer and to spend as much time as possible with those who have become so dear and near to me…. When walking on campus I constantly realize that I won’t be here anymore, soon; when I have conversations with my student friends about our future, I realize we are a world apart; when I have a movingly serious talk with one of my student friends here, I realize how fond I have become of some and vice versa; then when, with a bent head and in a whisper he says: “I feel so sad when I think about you leaving”, it feels like someone is choking me and I wonder how I can leave this all behind.

On departure I get a big (spontaneous!!) hug and right at the moment I close the door I start crying my eyes out and I just can’t stop. These are my tears; they are not the first, they won’t be the last… In company of others I will pretend they’re not there and I will bite my tongue rather than show my emotions, but boy is it difficult and how much it hurts! Someone once wrote that my weak point is my emotional bond with my students and the people who matter to me. Someone recently said:” But didn’t we already know that before you left? That saying goodbye wouldn’t be easy…” Like I wrote some time ago: it is wonderful living abroad, but it also causes misery and pain. The misery and pain of saying goodbye to something that is so special, unique and valuable. Saying goodbye to something that will never come back, saying goodbye to something that has left forever memories. At this moment I can only hope to be able to stay in touch, anyway possible, I can only hope to come back and see how everyone is doing and maybe, just maybe to see my dearest friends in Holland one day and to share another part of me with them.

Now, after almost 2 years, I say that time flew by. Now, during these weeks, I realize time flies by and that sometimes it seems to pass me by, like sand slipping through your fingers. I want to hold on, make sure it doesn’t pass, because I know it will never again be the same. Much of what I leave behind will change or I will never see again. It is part of life, I know…..